on Death and loneliness

This is actually a response I made to a friend but thought it profound enough to share here:

I feel the "lonelies" and wonder what it would be like to have a partner to spend time with. I have to admit I get real jealous when I hear about the fun times everyone has. I try to keep busy, but cleaning house... well... let's say that is NOT how I do it. I spend a lot of time online. I also play SimCity3000Unlimited a lot. Pretending I am the mayor of a city and can make or break all those people's lives is great therapy. LOL I have lived in this town for 18 months now and have yet to make a freind, except Keith who wants to bed me, but he's married and I am not interested. I guess I just need to be closer to my kids.

I regret not spending time with my parents before they died and I recommend that if you are wanting to spend time with your grandma you should make an effort to do so. I am an expert on death and loss...ask anyone... I have lost 3 brothers, a sister, a great SIL, my son's father (whom I loved with all my heart), both my parents, all of my grandparents (never knew my granddads), miscarried twins, my niece, and many friends. If I could go back and spend more time with any of them I would. But I can't take back time, so I am destined to live my life with those regrets. I do have the memories though of all of those people and that makes me smile every day. I have an after-death connection to my mom and my grandmother. I know that sounds a bit weird, but I believe that I talk to them on a regular basis. I have felt my mom's arms around me and smelled her perfume and I know she is there. That keeps me going. I hope that I see her (all of them really) in the afterlife....Summerland, Heaven, whatever you want to call it. I do believe in reincarnation so I don't think I will see all of them, as they have gone on to other lives, but their spirits, their hearts are still a part of me.

Sometimes I wish that there would be something massive that would destroy everything and everyone so I could go on to that better life now, and all of my loved ones would go too. I don't want to die now and leave people behind. I want everyone to go with me. I know that sounds kind of negative and depressing but what am I on this earth for anyway? I really have no purpose here...none! I would welcome the change.

I hope I haven't depressed anyone.